Couples and Sexuality: How Often Should We Have Sex-Seven Factors that Can Affect Your Sex Life
by Krista Bloom, Ph.D., LCSW

Many people ask the question, “Dr. Krista, how often do couples have sex, on average?”  If this question has been on your mind, welcome to the club!  This is one of my most frequently asked questions in my practice and for my “Ask the Sex Therapist” column.  The quick answer to this question is, it depends!  Every person has different sexual needs or affection needs.

There is no right or wrong answer for frequency for a person or a couple.  How often you desire sex is very personal.  If we look at national averages for married couples, for example, then 1-2 times per week might be average.  For cohabitating couples, the average is a bit higher.  However, for couples who enjoy sexual activity every day one to three times per week would be too infrequent.  Some people enjoy daily sexual expression, and some need intimate contact several times per day.  Many different factors can affect your sex drive and your sexual behavior.  It seems that everyone is looking for what is normal.  I encourage you to look more at what works for you personally and as a couple in your relationship. 

Here are seven factors that can affect desire for sexual frequency:

1. How well you are getting along.  If you are fighting all the time, it may be difficult to connect sexually with one another or to be “in the mood” for sex. Although some people swear that “make-up sex” after an argument is the hottest, I think that having a harmonious relationship outside of the bedroom can help your sex lives, (as long as there is chemistry between you, of course!)

2. How satisfying the sex is for both of you.  If the sex is fantastic, you may enjoy yourself so much that you want more of it.  In my experience working with couples, great sex can lead to even more great sex.  Do you look to please yourself and your partner, or do you stop caring and trying?  If the sex is not the greatest, then think of how you can make it a better experience for you, and talk with your partner about that. Then, put your plans into action.  Dare to try new things. If you like them, you can do them again. If they don't work at all, then just laugh and move on.

3. Your physical health, including medications you take.  Let’s face it.  Sometimes, when you are not feeling well, being sexual may not be the first thing on your mind.  In addition, some medications carry negative sexual side effects on desire or sexual performance.  One example of this is some anti-depressants.  You can read, research, and consult with your doctor if you notice changes in your desire or your performance when you take medications.  Even so, research has shown that pleasurable sexual activity releases endorphins, and boosts the immune system, so maybe sex can be part of your health recovery plan!

4. Your sexual compatibility.  Whether or not you enjoy the same things sexually seems to be a big factor in whether or not you are satisfied and motivated sexually. For example, if you enjoy lots of kissing during lovemaking, while your partner is opposed to this, then you may not have such a great time together.  Also, if your partner is very sexually adventurous and you are very uptight, you might both resist having sex together because of your different tastes.  The best is to find someone who enjoys similar activities as you do, or enjoys everything, and you can have fun together.

5. The frequency you are used to.  If you are like most people, you are a creature of habit.  If you are in the habit of being sexual every day, then you are more likely to continue that habit.  If you form new habits, such as watching 5 hours of TV per day, then you are more likely to focus on the TV instead of intimacy.

6. Your ability to communicate your desires and needs, and to get those met.  How well do you know yourself sexually?  Are you able to communicate what you like sexually to your partner?  Many people have difficulty talking about sex openly because of social stigma and taboo.  If you can learn to break through those barriers, you may find yourself more motivated to be sexual with your partner.

7. Your ability to ‘get in the mood’ even when you’re not initially.  This can go a long way in enhancing your relationship with your partner.  Once you get going, you will probably both have fun!  Plan activities that get you in the mood for lovemaking!  Whether you enjoy a warm bath, candles, soft music, a sexy shopping experience, a body massage, or looking into your lover’s eyes, go for it!

Frequency in sex is much more a matter of your personal choice and your choice as a couple.  The main question to ask yourself is what makes you happy?  Are you having fun sexually?  What is enough for you?  As long as you and your partner are enjoying yourselves, that is what is important!  Use the law of attraction in your favor. 

If you want more intimacy, feel, think and take action to crank up the heat!   Many couples I see have different ideas about frequency, and need some assistance working through these issues.  The important thing is to learn what you like and how to get your needs met.  Decide on the frequency you want and go for that.

A copy of this article is available as a PDF file. 

For additional information, please contact

Krista Bloom, Ph.D., LCSW

7500 NW 5th Street, Suite 111 Plantation, FL 33317
Tel: (754) 234-6991     FAX: (954) 797-4911
 krista@healingcouch.com

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Last modified: 10/19/08