If you have ever wanted to ask a question to a sex therapist, here is your chance.  The following is a selection of excerpts from e-mails sent to Ask The Sex Therapist.

Table of Contents

1. Should we come together?
2. What if I'm not in the mood?
3. Where are male and female erogenous zones?

Ask the Sex Therapist Questions

Question 1:  My partner thinks that if we are really “right” for each other that we should orgasm at the same time.  Is this true?  We can’t seem to do this.  Is there something wrong with me/ us? 

Response:  Simultaneous orgasm is a common misconception that can create pressure and performance anxiety in a relationship.  Each person has different sexual responses, and various timing and other factors that lead to orgasm.  Timing mutual orgasms perfectly can be difficult. 

It is much simpler to take turns focusing on one another’s pleasure than it is to orgasm at the same exact time.  Of course, if this mutual orgasm occurs naturally, then it is an enjoyable bonus.  If you can relax and take the pressure off yourselves, you will both have a lot more fun.  If it continues to be a major issue for you, your partner or your relationship, you can always seek counseling or sex therapy to try to work on the deeper issues! 

If you are not in the mood, but want to get yourself in the mood, then let your partner know that you need some time to warm up.  Try getting yourself “turned on” by lighting some candles, putting on some romantic music, or asking your partner to caress your back while you let your mind imagine your fantasies.  You might even try an adult game such as sexy dice or cards.  If intimacy or other aspects of your relationship continue to be of concern to you, or your partner, you can always seek counseling or sex therapy to work on things!  

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Question 2:  Sometimes, my partner is in the mood to be sexual and I’m not.  How can I stop making excuses and get myself in the mood? -Honey, I have a headache

Response:  Many couples face this challenge.  Erotic desires vary from day to day and from person to person.   If you are truly physically ill, it is ok to let your partner know that you are not up for intimacy right now.  It is just as important to acknowledge your partner’s needs by making a specific lovemaking date that you can keep.  This way they won’t feel so put off or rejected. Of course, if every day there is a new excuse, and you are avoiding intimacy, you may want to look at the underlying issues.   

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Question 3:  Where are the male and female erogenous zones?

Response:  The great thing about people is that everyone is a little bit different!  Your entire body can be an erogenous zone, or you may have certain parts of you that turn you on when touched!  Keep in mind you may also have zones that are ticklish or too sensitive to touch.    

One thing that you can do is get to know your own body.  Spend time finding out what ways you enjoy being touched.  You can try using your hands, or something like a feather or fur on different parts of you!  Find out what makes your arm hairs stand on end or arouses you! 

Once you discover your “secret” pleasure spots, you can communicate these with your intimate partner!  You can whisper in their ear where and how you want to be touched, write a note, or just tell them the next time you have a sexy time together!  Although it may be awkward to express yourself at first, it can pay off spine—tingling dividends for you! 

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For additional information, please contact

Krista Bloom, Ph.D., LCSW

7500 NW 5th Street, Suite 111 Plantation, FL 33317
Tel: (754) 234-6991     FAX: (954) 797-4911
 krista@healingcouch.com

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Last modified: 10/19/08